I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
