does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I have fence marks all over my body
Randomize
