Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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