The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Randomize
