It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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