My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
