i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
