THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
