I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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