Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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