I met the friendliest cop last night
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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