Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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