Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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