Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
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