So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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