I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
