Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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