He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
