we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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