it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
