very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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