I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
