it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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