I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
