I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
