I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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