life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
