My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
