I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
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