The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
