Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
