I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
