One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
