Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
