i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
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