If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Randomize
