I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
