If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
