Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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