I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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