Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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