Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Randomize
