Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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