Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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