I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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