Michael Bay diarrhea
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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