I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
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