Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
