wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
