I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Randomize
