She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
be right there i have to get my cape
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
